Jewish Mother Now Supportive of Comedian Son After His First Brush With Success

SCARSDALE, NY - Despite calling comedy “not a career” and spending years imploring her son Aaron Gelstein to go to law or medical school, Jewish mother Miriam Gelstein told reporters she is now supportive of her son’s pursuit after seeing him on The Conan O’Brien Program.

“I think it’s wonderful,” said Miriam. “After all I’ve done and sacrificed for him, it’s good to see he’s finally doing something with his life.” 

Not realizing many comedians hone their craft for years before making a late night television appearance, Miriam reportedly no longer emails Aaron links to law school applications or mentions how successful Naomi Leventhal’s son, who just was named Chief Resident at NYU Langone, is.

“You should have seen the look on Rabbi Shapiro’s face when I told him my Aaron was on television,” beamed Miriam, who used to complain to him regularly about her son’s lack of direction. “I’m so proud.”

“Who knows how much longer I'll be around?” added Miriam. “Maybe I’ll see him at Carnegie Hall one day.” 

Now that Miriam is no longer worried about her son’s career, she reportedly has now focused her attention on setting up Aaron with one of her friends’ Jewish daughters.

Area Man Triumphantly Retires From Facebook After High School Crush Likes His Post

NEW YORK - Philanthropist and entrepreneur Mark Abner reportedly deactivated his Facebook account moments after his high school crush Chelsea Levine liked one of his posts.

Abner, whose primary motivation in life is to get Levine’s approval, says he no longer feels the need to post stories after receiving the coveted like.

“Every post about my accolades was an attempt to get through to her.” said Abner. “She didn’t like my post when I received a full scholarship to Harvard or when my charity brought clean water to a rural village in Sudan, but she liked this one.”

Even Abner’s friends were surprised it took so long for her to like one of his posts.

“I for sure thought she would have liked his post expressing his unconditional love for his transgender brother, or his post announcing he sold his app to Microsoft for $230 million,” said Michael Henson, Abner’s friend since the tenth grade.

Abner, who is tagged in over 2,000 pictures on Facebook, says that Levine has never liked one of his photos either.

“I’ve posted pictures of myself with Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Pope Francis, Malala Yousafzai, and Queen Elizabeth II. Each photo got over 500 likes. Chelsea didn’t like a single one.”

Abner admitted he’s not sure what he will do with his new found spare time.

“Now that I have Chelsea’s approval I’m going to take some time to think about what I want to do next. I’ve always wanted to be a train conductor, but I didn’t think she’d like that.”

When asked about the post that got Chelsea’s attention, Abner appeared sullen.

“I’ve worked hard all my life to be good enough for her. I built a successful business, donated millions to philanthropic pursuit, sponsored a refugee from Syria, and was accepted to NASA’s astronaut program. But in the end all I had to do was post a screenshot of Squirtle from my Pokémon Go app.”

Wisconsin Resident Lifts Indiana Boycott After Winning Tickets to Final Four

MADISON - One week after software developer Greg Murray posted a 1,500 word tirade announcing his boycott of all things Indiana, Murray announced that he won a 3-night/4-day trip to attend the Final Four in Indianapolis.

“This weekend is going to be epic!” exclaimed Murrary, a heterosexual man who will not have to worry about being denied service at private establishments on the basis of his sexual orientation. “My girlfriend and I are going to have the time of our lives!”

Murray’s enthusiasm marks a sudden change from his feelings a week ago, when he described Indiana as a “puritan hellhole stuck in the middle ages that will never get another cent from [him] so long as [he’s] alive.”

When asked to comment on his apparent reversal, Murray said he still hates Indiana but couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see his beloved Wisconsin Badgers take on the undefeated Kentucky Wildcats.

“The anti-gay bill really sucks,” said Murray, “but this game is history in the making! Besides, Wisconsin is where Jenny and I met, so this game will be extra special for us.”

When asked whether he would join demonstrations against the bill, Murray was non-committal.

“I’d really love to, but there’s so much going on this weekend. Weezer and Imagine Dragons are playing. We have VIP access to the locker-room, a meet-and-greet with Shaq. I don’t think we’ll have time!”

While Murray has not ruled out renewing his boycott, he declined to comment about the time he lifted his boycott of Arizona to attend the 2011 MLB All-Star Game.

Rangers, Capitals Play For Chance to Be Eliminated in Second Round of NHL Playoffs

WASHINGTON - As the New York Rangers and Washington Capitals prepare for a decisive winner-take-all game seven tonight, players and coaches will put everything on the line for a chance to be thwarted in the second round of the NHL playoffs.

"Let's face it, we're a pretty one-dimensional team," said Capitals head coach Adam Oates.  "But we're gonna fight our hardest to ensure our weak penalty kill and overall lack of defense isn't exposed until the next round."

"All that regular season crap means nothing right now," said Rangers head coach John Tortorella. "We've worked hard for [Goalie] Henrik [Lundqvist] to carry us on his back for one more game.  We don't expect him to collapse quite yet."

NBC Sports analyst Pierre McGuire predicts tonight's game will be very close, but utterly meaningless in the long run.

"It's cute to see these two teams go to the wire year-after-year.  Whichever team wins will certainly provide good fodder for either the Toronto Maple Leafs or Boston Bruins."

Regardless of which team wins tonight, both team's fans should expect to be looking towards the 2013-2014 NHL season by early next week.

College Student Eager to Share His Love of a TV Show That Everyone Else Loves Too

ANN ARBOR - After watching the first episode of a television series on a popular Internet streaming media service, University of Michigan student Alan Baumstein expressed a strong desire to share his commonly-held beliefs on social media.

"Oh my God this show is amazing!" said Baumstein as he quickly logged into Facebook.  "Everyone has to know how great this show is!"

The program, which premiered in February of 2013, has already been seen by millions of viewers, including nearly all of Baumstein's friends from college, high school, hebrew school, sports teams, and various summer camps he once attended.  Regardless, Baumstein insisted he give the show a public endorsement.

"I just can't get over how great this show is," added Baumstein while loading his Twitter page.  "It's perfect!"

Baumstein declined to comment further, as he had plans to watch the first episode of an AMC original series that premiered five years ago.

Malaysian Immigrant Praised for Eco-Friendly Lifestyle

LOS ANGELES - While many Americans strive to reduce their carbon footprint, low-wage Malaysian Immigrant Norzila Razak has all but eliminated hers. 

Instead of driving to work, Nazak takes three buses 35 miles from the room she rents in Covina to her job as a dishwasher in Santa Monica.

"She's a true inspiration to environmentalists," said aspiring actress Eliza Reed. "We all try to be part of the solution. That's why I traded in my Jeep for a Honda Civic."

Since arriving in America over twenty years ago, Razak has never owned a car or set foot on an airplane, even to visit her husband and daughter, both of whom live Malaysia.

"Air pollution is a big problem here in LA," said Juliette Gilbert, a stay-at-home mom from Malibu. "I've been making an effort to limit the number of international vacations I take each year." She added that during holidays, she sometimes joins her husband on his company's private jet.

Razak's landlord Saul Guzman reported that Razak takes environmental awareness to a whole new level. "I once stopped by her apartment when it was 98 degrees outside, because I thought the A/C was broken. It wasn't, she was just conserving energy," he said.

A spokeswoman for Southern California Edison hailed Razak's approach to energy use, saying "We encourage residents to set their thermostats to 72 degrees. She takes it to a whole new level, and for that, we applaud her."

Even after working several hours at the restaurant, many of Razak's neighbors report seeing her go from garbage can to garbage can, collecting cans and bottles to bring them to the local recycling center.

When interviewed, Razak slammed the door shut after insisting she doesn't know what global warming is.

Hockey Fans Eager To Live Vicariously Through Others

TORONTO - As the lockout-shortened 2013 NHL season begins this Saturday, fans across North America are eager to stop living their own lives and instead spend hours watching other people try to knock a small rubber cylinder into a net.

"I can't wait for hockey to start!" said Cam Brewster, a life-long Toronto Maple Leafs fan whose happiness is based solely on the performance of 25 men he's never met.  "I'm going to watch every game!"

Jenny Andrews, a self-proclaimed die-hard Los Angeles Kings fan, was shaking with excitement as she purchased a replica of the work clothes worn by Kings goalie Jonathan Quick, at a price of nearly $200.

"We're definitely going to win the Cup again!" said Andrews, apparently considering herself part of the effort, even though she has never gone skating, picked up a hockey stick, or worked for the Los Angeles Kings. "We're number one!"

At the Kettler Capitals Iceplex in Arlington, VA, many area fans opted to skip out on their own jobs for a chance to see several young, mostly foreign-born men do theirs.  Despite never having met any of these men personally, many DC residents adore those who are paid to skate around the ice while wearing sweaters with the word "Capitals" sewn on them.

After the skating finished DC resident Peter Collins waited eagerly outside the Iceplex for a chance to have one of these workers quickly scribble their name on a picture.  Even though Collins has never spent more than 15 seconds speaking with Capitals forward Alex Ovechkin, Collins said he would take bullet for him.

Despite all of the enthusiasm, analysts caution that the excitement may die down as soon as Sunday, when many of these same fans will forget entirely about hockey as they watch other grown men attempt to carry a pigskin from one side of a field to another.

13-Year-Old Male Reasserts Masculinity By Claiming He Hates One Direction

 


While English-Irish boy band One Direction has achieved critical and commercial success since releasing their hit single "What Makes You Beautiful" in 2011, the group has been unable to gain the approval of 13-year-old Ben Grossman.

"Every time that song comes on the radio Ben screams to anyone who will listen how much he hates One Direction," said Melanie Grossman, Ben's older sister. "While he's always hated boy bands, pop music, and pretty much anything else the girls in his grade like, he especially hates One Direction."

A fellow classmate who denied to be identified says Grossman is especially tough on anything he finds to be remotely "gay".

"His style is very mainstream male," said Grossman's teacher Elena Thompson. "He usually wears a Bud Light t-shirt or a football jersey to class."

Grossman's mother Sheryl feels One Direction's widespread popularity has had an adverse effect on her son, but questions how much Ben actually dislikes the band.

"He normally asks me to put on a rap or rock station when I drive him to hockey practice.  But ever since "What Makes You Beautiful" hit the charts he's always lets Melanie pick the station."

Grossman declined to be interviewed for the story, but issued a statement that his next door neighbor Becky's claims that he once rocked out to One Direction in his room before quickly closing the blinds and switching to the Wu-Tang Clan are "completely untrue."

Israel, Hamas Eagerly Await Solutions Proposed By Liberal Arts Students

In the wake of a Wednesday's Israeli military strike that killed Hamas military commander Ahmed al-Jabari, both Israel and Hamas are looking to liberal arts students across America to come up with effective solutions to end the conflict.

"Hamas has fired 160 rockets on civilian centers across Israel since Saturday," a senior IDF officer said to reporters. "And while we feel we have every right to defend ourselves, the Bennington College World Peace Club often has new, useful ideas for solutions that don't involve violence."

While Hamas denies involvement and called the Israeli strike an act of aggression, they too praised the discourse that will ultimately happen in air-conditioned student centers across America.

"We are adamant that Israel end its illegal occupation immediately," a Hamas official said. "But Wesleyan University senior Caleb Anthony took the time to order pizza and invite the students in his dormitory to discuss the issue in a peaceful manner.  The least we can do is wait for that to happen.  And besides, he did get a B+ in Middle East History from 1948-2000."

Both sides are reluctant to send representatives to these meetings, as they acknowledged things there can get "pretty intense".

"In 2008 Smith College Junior Ashley Peterson raised her voice at Freshman Naomi Potts," said a Gaza resident who lost both siblings in Israeli airstrikes. "While she made a good point that Naomi has never been to the West Bank, she should have acknowledged the Campus Center is a designated safe space."

"I was appalled at Occidental College Sophomore Partrick Schwartz when he called his fellow classmate "naive" on his Facebook timeline," said an Israeli Citizen who survived a bus bombing in 2004.  "While Patrick's classmate does not understand the importance of a Jewish State, he did skim the Wikipedia article on the Six Day War before leaving a comment, so he isn't completely uninformed."

By Friday, many schools will move onto activities like Homecoming and Toga Parties, but both Israel and Hamas have agreed to a truce until the Oberlin College quad sit for peace and understanding takes place so that both sides can assess its impact.

Vikings and Rams Winners of the First Round of the NFL Draft, Says ESPN Analyst Who Has No Ability To Predict The Future

NEW YORK - Despite not possessing any psychic abilities, ESPN analyst John Clayton declared the Minnesota Vikings and the St. Louis Rams to be the winners of the first round of the 2012 NFL draft.  While young football players often take years to develop and face unforeseeable challenges, Clayton was convinced that these teams would be positively affected in the years to come based off the addition of one player each.  "Rest assured [LSU Defensive Tackle] Michael Brockers is going to be great addition to the Rams defensive front," beamed Clayton, even though the 21 year old athlete has never seen the Rams playbook nor has met many of his new coaches or teammates.  While Clayton has no crystal ball and an inconsistent record on advance declarations, former NFL first round draft pick Ryan Leaf agreed with Clayton's prediction, saying that all teams are winners in the first round of an NFL draft.

Billy Cundiff Offers Kyle Williams His Condolences

While everyone makes mistakes, very few people can say they've been offered support by an NFL Pro-Bowler. San Francisco 49ers WR Kyle Williams is one of those select few.

After Williams' overtime fumble lead to a loss in yesterday's NFC Championship game against New York Giants, Baltimore Ravens K Billy Cundiff called Kyle Williams personally to share his sympathy.

"I feel for him, I definitely do," said Cundiff, who once missed a 32-yard field goal in an AFC Championship loss to the New England Patriots. "I've been in that situation before and it definitely hurts."

While Cundiff admits that he still hasn't fully gotten over the botched kick, he says that both time and the support from fans in the greater New England area proved to be very helpful.

"It's was really tough at first," Cundiff added. "But the minutes go by and you start to focus more on the future and less on the past. I'm just very fortunate so many devout Patriots have been so supportive."

While Williams has refused to speak to the media following his gaff, he does have another high-profile supporter. New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has officially extended an offer for Williams to be his guest of honor at this years Super Bowl parade if the Giants emerge victorious.

Dan Orlovsky Prepping Really Hard For the Colts' 2012 Season

INDIANAPOLIS - While Colt fans begin to focus their attention on the impending quarterback battle between former MVP Peyton Manning and rookie sensation Andrew Luck, last year's starter Dan Orlovsky has been working as hard as ever to prepare for the Colts' 2012 season.

The potential free agent's regimen, which began a mere 18 hours after the Colts' season-ending loss to the Jaguars that secured the first pick in the NFL Draft, is designed to build cardiocasvular and physical strength.

Each morning, Orlovsky straps himself to his Ford F-150 pickup truck and pulls it three miles to the Colts' practice facility. He earned the starting job earlier this year after injuries to Manning, Kerry Collins, and Curtis Painter.

Upon arriving at the facility, the career backup starts with three miles of uphill sprinting, four miles of counter-current swimming, two hours splitting wood, high-intensity kick-boxing, krav maga, yoga, hurdles, and burpees, all before hitting the gym for an afternoon of weight training and passing drills.

"I've never seen anything like it," said long-time security guard Albert Douglass, who once doubted the Colts' decision to sign the QB who lead the Lions to an 0-16 season. "He's really a machine out there."

Colts' WR Austin Collie, who is currently vacationing in Maui, also expressed shock in how hard the quarterback who once ran out the back of his own end zone was working.

"I get 9-10 texts a day asking if I can come in and work on our timing. If I don't respond immediately, he calls and leaves incredibly nasty voice-messages about how I was the reason we only won two games last season and how I need to 'get serious about what it means to be a Colt'. He also organizes daily team-building events on Facebook, including trips to Six Flags, afternoons at low-ropes courses, and happy hours at local Karaoke bars.

Orlovsky declined to be interviewed, as he was "too busy reading up on the playbook and studying game film." He then sat down at his computer to put the finishing touches on his designs for Dan Orlovsky Bobblehead Day.

Housekeeping Team to 'Clean Em for Mr. Jones' After Hotel Manager Dies

FORT LAUDERDALE - On a highly emotional day following hotel manager Clarence Jones' death, the cleaning staff at the Airport Comfort Inn came together to increase productivity and keep cleaning the hotel.

While Jones was known for being emotionally distant and refusing to speak with "the help," the fired-up domestic servants dusted faster, plunged deeper, and folded neater than ever before.

"Mr. Jones had his hand on that vacuum," said housekeeper Martina Perez through tears after turning around room 317 in under forty minutes. "We love him, we know he is watching over this hotel."

The most emotional moment of the day came when each worker was given a new uniform with a memorial patch on the shoulders honoring Jones. After a long moment of silence the workers chanted, "Juice, Juice, Juice," Jones' nickname.

Shortly after kissing her patch, Lopez shared a story about a time she saw Mr. Jones working.

"He was talking to HR and ordering them not to hire a female worker who was "aesthetically challenged." Whether it be his refusal promote minorities or unwillingness to allow workers to observe religious holidays, Mr. Jones always was a fighter."

A retired veteran who was dishonorably discharged from the Marines in 1991, Jones obtained his degree in hotel management and began work at the Comfort Inn a year later. He was known for his no-nonsense attitude and his policy of firing any employee who attempted to form a union.

While his face was always covered by a complimentary copy of USA Today, Jones had a special place in the heart's of each person who ever set foot in the Comfort Inn.

"I will always remember the day I came back from my shortened maternity leave," Perez said. "He looked at me, handed me a broom, muttered 'time is money', and returned to his paper. While I couldn't see his face, I knew he was smiling at me."

As the night came to a close, Perez stocked one final minibar, got down on a knee and whispered, "Mr. Jones' this one's for you."

Area Man Informs World of Dangerous Earthquake

In what local officials are describing as a courageous and self-less move, Yonkers Resident Dale Harrington used the social networking site Facebook to inform the world of a potentially catastrophic natural disaster. "I felt the earth shake for a good while there and didn't know what was happening. Then I saw Dale's status which read 'Whoa. Earthquake?' and immediately knew what was going on," said a former acquaintance, adding that after reading the message he too decided to update his status. Within minutes, the entire East Coast seemed inspired by Harrington's swift action, taking a break from their normal routine to forewarn their friends and family of the crisis at hand. While hailed by many as a hero, Harrington's modesty shined when he moved past the grandiose episode a mere hour later to thank his Farmville Peeps for being such great neighbors.

Plane Crashes After Child Neglects to Turn Off Game Boy During Initial Descent

NEWARK - United Airlines Flight 417 crashed just fifteen miles outside of Newark airport today in what appears to be another Game Boy related accident, killing all but seven passengers. Without all electronics properly turned off and stowed for safety, the plane went into an immediate tailspin once it descended below it's cruising altitude of 35,000 feet. In response, TSA has announced its plans to require airlines to issue longer, more graphic safety videos before each flight. "We are very lucky that not everyone on board was killed instantly," said a TSA representative. "God only knows what would have happened if he was using a two-way pager". This incident comes less than a week after a Houston resident was severely injured after his flight took off without his seat in its full and upright position.

Nigerian Billionaire Unsure As to Why Americans Refuse his Fortune

ABUJA - For years, Dr. Moses Odiaka has spent nights tolling away at his computer trying to find a worthy American willing to assume control of his fortune. Because Nigerian banking law prohibits transfer of money into the United States, Odiaka's only hope of giving his money to a deserving American is for that person to set up an offshore account in which he can transfer the money. "When that is complete all I need is for that person to immediately send the details of their primary bank account, as well as a credit card and social security number for me to arrange the proper money transfer document." This news comes only a few days after it was reported the National Lottery of Kenya has been unsuccessful in notifying an Albuquerque resident of his three million dollar prize.

Cavaliers Jinxed By 12-Year-Old Boy

Many fans have been wondering what happened to the top seeded Cleveland Cavaliers, after being eliminated by the Boston Celtics in second round of the 2010 NBA Playoffs. That uncertainty may have come to a rest however now that sources have confirmed Canton resident Wesley Gordon jinxed the Cavs.

"We watched game three together at my mom's house," said Doug Walker, Gordon's best friend. "They won the game and afterwords Wes said, "This series is over". You know what happened? The Cavs lost the next three games and now we're out of the playoffs."

No one was more upset by the news than Lithuanian Center Žydrūnas Ilgauskas, who is very superstitious.

"In my country, we have a saying," Ilgauskas remarked. "Nothing is over until the fat lady is singing. After game three I knew something was wrong. No one could conenctrate. We did not know why. Now it is clear. This Wesley Gordon made the basketball Gods very very angry; and that makes Žydrūnas is very very angry. If I ever see him I will circumsize him with my teeth."

Canton officials have increased security around Gordon's home, who has not been seen publically since the incident.

The most dire consequence to the city of Cleveland might be the reaction by NBA MVP LeBron James, who was midway through signing a contract to keep him in a Cavs uniform through 2019. However, as he was signing, word spread of Gordon's actions, causing James to drop the pen and leave the arena.

"He had signed Lebron Ja when he dropped the pen," said Cavaliers General Manager Danny Ferry. "Well, we checked the phonebook to see if there were any Lebron Ja's in the United States. Apparently there's one. He owns a boat dealership in Lake Tahoe. It appears as if we need to start paying him thirty million dollars anually."

Even though the police consider this to be a closed cased, Canton mayor William Healy is sure of Gordon's innocence, an has instead blamed his wife Brunhilde for the loss.

"We watched the first three games together while I was wearing my lucky Jersey," Healy said. "However, Brunhilde donated the jersey to Goodwill afterwards, saying it looked rediculous on me. If I had that jersey we'd be in the playoffs today."

Once Healy stopped ranting, he's tone became one of sorrow, as he felt great sympathy for the boy who went into the witness protection program yesterday.

"He's gonna go down as the most hated Ohio resident since Don King."

Cleveland Indians Change Logo

Due to intense criticism over the past several years, the Cleveland Indians today announced that they will be changing their mascot, logo, and color scheme indefinitely to reflect the changing times and to shy away from the negative portrayal of American-Indians in sport.

"We as an organization felt Chief Wahoo had ran his course as the face of the Indians organization," said Cleveland Indians owner Larry Dolan in a press conference. "However, we know the fine citizens of Cleveland are passionate about the Indians name and because of this, we wanted to find a solution that stayed true to the fine history of our organization and at the same time, could not possibly be seen as racist."

With that, the Indians introduced their new logo.

Sanjay, as he will be known, is the new official face of the Indians. He will appear on all Indians caps, uniforms, and merchandise.

"Sanjay will finally allow our American-Indian fan base to breath easy, as our new mascot does not portray any group of human beings negatively or in a false light."

The Indians were also proud to announce they have let go all their beer, hot dog, and food vendors, and replaced them with what Dolan calls "A new frontier of concession ordering." Every seat will have a telephone in which fans can place orders and receive them in the mail three to five business days later.

Chief Wahoo fans will be happy to know he will not be retired. The Indians AA affiliate, the Akron Aeros, will be renamed the Akron Injuns, and adopt Chief Wahoo as their mascot. Injuns owner Mike Agganis declined to comment.