Vikings and Rams Winners of the First Round of the NFL Draft, Says ESPN Analyst Who Has No Ability To Predict The Future

NEW YORK - Despite not possessing any psychic abilities, ESPN analyst John Clayton declared the Minnesota Vikings and the St. Louis Rams to be the winners of the first round of the 2012 NFL draft.  While young football players often take years to develop and face unforeseeable challenges, Clayton was convinced that these teams would be positively affected in the years to come based off the addition of one player each.  "Rest assured [LSU Defensive Tackle] Michael Brockers is going to be great addition to the Rams defensive front," beamed Clayton, even though the 21 year old athlete has never seen the Rams playbook nor has met many of his new coaches or teammates.  While Clayton has no crystal ball and an inconsistent record on advance declarations, former NFL first round draft pick Ryan Leaf agreed with Clayton's prediction, saying that all teams are winners in the first round of an NFL draft.

Billy Cundiff Offers Kyle Williams His Condolences

While everyone makes mistakes, very few people can say they've been offered support by an NFL Pro-Bowler. San Francisco 49ers WR Kyle Williams is one of those select few.

After Williams' overtime fumble lead to a loss in yesterday's NFC Championship game against New York Giants, Baltimore Ravens K Billy Cundiff called Kyle Williams personally to share his sympathy.

"I feel for him, I definitely do," said Cundiff, who once missed a 32-yard field goal in an AFC Championship loss to the New England Patriots. "I've been in that situation before and it definitely hurts."

While Cundiff admits that he still hasn't fully gotten over the botched kick, he says that both time and the support from fans in the greater New England area proved to be very helpful.

"It's was really tough at first," Cundiff added. "But the minutes go by and you start to focus more on the future and less on the past. I'm just very fortunate so many devout Patriots have been so supportive."

While Williams has refused to speak to the media following his gaff, he does have another high-profile supporter. New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has officially extended an offer for Williams to be his guest of honor at this years Super Bowl parade if the Giants emerge victorious.

Dan Orlovsky Prepping Really Hard For the Colts' 2012 Season

INDIANAPOLIS - While Colt fans begin to focus their attention on the impending quarterback battle between former MVP Peyton Manning and rookie sensation Andrew Luck, last year's starter Dan Orlovsky has been working as hard as ever to prepare for the Colts' 2012 season.

The potential free agent's regimen, which began a mere 18 hours after the Colts' season-ending loss to the Jaguars that secured the first pick in the NFL Draft, is designed to build cardiocasvular and physical strength.

Each morning, Orlovsky straps himself to his Ford F-150 pickup truck and pulls it three miles to the Colts' practice facility. He earned the starting job earlier this year after injuries to Manning, Kerry Collins, and Curtis Painter.

Upon arriving at the facility, the career backup starts with three miles of uphill sprinting, four miles of counter-current swimming, two hours splitting wood, high-intensity kick-boxing, krav maga, yoga, hurdles, and burpees, all before hitting the gym for an afternoon of weight training and passing drills.

"I've never seen anything like it," said long-time security guard Albert Douglass, who once doubted the Colts' decision to sign the QB who lead the Lions to an 0-16 season. "He's really a machine out there."

Colts' WR Austin Collie, who is currently vacationing in Maui, also expressed shock in how hard the quarterback who once ran out the back of his own end zone was working.

"I get 9-10 texts a day asking if I can come in and work on our timing. If I don't respond immediately, he calls and leaves incredibly nasty voice-messages about how I was the reason we only won two games last season and how I need to 'get serious about what it means to be a Colt'. He also organizes daily team-building events on Facebook, including trips to Six Flags, afternoons at low-ropes courses, and happy hours at local Karaoke bars.

Orlovsky declined to be interviewed, as he was "too busy reading up on the playbook and studying game film." He then sat down at his computer to put the finishing touches on his designs for Dan Orlovsky Bobblehead Day.

Housekeeping Team to 'Clean Em for Mr. Jones' After Hotel Manager Dies

FORT LAUDERDALE - On a highly emotional day following hotel manager Clarence Jones' death, the cleaning staff at the Airport Comfort Inn came together to increase productivity and keep cleaning the hotel.

While Jones was known for being emotionally distant and refusing to speak with "the help," the fired-up domestic servants dusted faster, plunged deeper, and folded neater than ever before.

"Mr. Jones had his hand on that vacuum," said housekeeper Martina Perez through tears after turning around room 317 in under forty minutes. "We love him, we know he is watching over this hotel."

The most emotional moment of the day came when each worker was given a new uniform with a memorial patch on the shoulders honoring Jones. After a long moment of silence the workers chanted, "Juice, Juice, Juice," Jones' nickname.

Shortly after kissing her patch, Lopez shared a story about a time she saw Mr. Jones working.

"He was talking to HR and ordering them not to hire a female worker who was "aesthetically challenged." Whether it be his refusal promote minorities or unwillingness to allow workers to observe religious holidays, Mr. Jones always was a fighter."

A retired veteran who was dishonorably discharged from the Marines in 1991, Jones obtained his degree in hotel management and began work at the Comfort Inn a year later. He was known for his no-nonsense attitude and his policy of firing any employee who attempted to form a union.

While his face was always covered by a complimentary copy of USA Today, Jones had a special place in the heart's of each person who ever set foot in the Comfort Inn.

"I will always remember the day I came back from my shortened maternity leave," Perez said. "He looked at me, handed me a broom, muttered 'time is money', and returned to his paper. While I couldn't see his face, I knew he was smiling at me."

As the night came to a close, Perez stocked one final minibar, got down on a knee and whispered, "Mr. Jones' this one's for you."

Area Man Informs World of Dangerous Earthquake

In what local officials are describing as a courageous and self-less move, Yonkers Resident Dale Harrington used the social networking site Facebook to inform the world of a potentially catastrophic natural disaster. "I felt the earth shake for a good while there and didn't know what was happening. Then I saw Dale's status which read 'Whoa. Earthquake?' and immediately knew what was going on," said a former acquaintance, adding that after reading the message he too decided to update his status. Within minutes, the entire East Coast seemed inspired by Harrington's swift action, taking a break from their normal routine to forewarn their friends and family of the crisis at hand. While hailed by many as a hero, Harrington's modesty shined when he moved past the grandiose episode a mere hour later to thank his Farmville Peeps for being such great neighbors.

Plane Crashes After Child Neglects to Turn Off Game Boy During Initial Descent

NEWARK - United Airlines Flight 417 crashed just fifteen miles outside of Newark airport today in what appears to be another Game Boy related accident, killing all but seven passengers. Without all electronics properly turned off and stowed for safety, the plane went into an immediate tailspin once it descended below it's cruising altitude of 35,000 feet. In response, TSA has announced its plans to require airlines to issue longer, more graphic safety videos before each flight. "We are very lucky that not everyone on board was killed instantly," said a TSA representative. "God only knows what would have happened if he was using a two-way pager". This incident comes less than a week after a Houston resident was severely injured after his flight took off without his seat in its full and upright position.

Nigerian Billionaire Unsure As to Why Americans Refuse his Fortune

ABUJA - For years, Dr. Moses Odiaka has spent nights tolling away at his computer trying to find a worthy American willing to assume control of his fortune. Because Nigerian banking law prohibits transfer of money into the United States, Odiaka's only hope of giving his money to a deserving American is for that person to set up an offshore account in which he can transfer the money. "When that is complete all I need is for that person to immediately send the details of their primary bank account, as well as a credit card and social security number for me to arrange the proper money transfer document." This news comes only a few days after it was reported the National Lottery of Kenya has been unsuccessful in notifying an Albuquerque resident of his three million dollar prize.