Monday, July 25, 2016

Area Man Triumphantly Retires From Facebook After High School Crush Likes His Post

NEW YORK - Philanthropist and entrepreneur Mark Abner reportedly deactivated his Facebook account moments after his high school crush Chelsea Levine liked one of his posts.

Abner, whose primary motivation in life is to get Levine’s approval, says he no longer feels the need to post stories after receiving the coveted like.

“Every post about my accolades was an attempt to get through to her.” said Abner. “She didn’t like my post when I received a full scholarship to Harvard or when my charity brought clean water to a rural village in Sudan, but she liked this one.”

Even Abner’s friends were surprised it took so long for her to like one of his posts.

“I for sure thought she would have liked his post expressing his unconditional love for his transgender brother, or his post announcing he sold his app to Microsoft for $230 million,” said Michael Henson, Abner’s friend since the tenth grade.

Abner, who is tagged in over 2,000 pictures on Facebook, says that Levine has never liked one of his photos either.

“I’ve posted pictures of myself with Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Pope Francis, Malala Yousafzai, and Queen Elizabeth II. Each photo got over 500 likes. Chelsea didn’t like a single one.”

Abner admitted he’s not sure what he will do with his new found spare time.

“Now that I have Chelsea’s approval I’m going to take some time to think about what I want to do next. I’ve always wanted to be a train conductor, but I didn’t think she’d like that.”

When asked about the post that got Chelsea’s attention, Abner appeared sullen.

“I’ve worked hard all my life to be good enough for her. I built a successful business, donated millions to philanthropic pursuit, sponsored a refugee from Syria, and was accepted to NASA’s astronaut program. But in the end all I had to do was post a screenshot of Squirtle from my Pok√©mon Go app.”

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Wisconsin Resident Lifts Indiana Boycott After Winning Tickets to Final Four

MADISON - One week after software developer Greg Murray posted a 1,500 word tirade announcing his boycott of all things Indiana, Murray announced that he won a 3-night/4-day trip to attend the Final Four in Indianapolis.

“This weekend is going to be epic!” exclaimed Murrary, a heterosexual man who will not have to worry about being denied service at private establishments on the basis of his sexual orientation. “My girlfriend and I are going to have the time of our lives!”

Murray’s enthusiasm marks a sudden change from his feelings a week ago, when he described Indiana as a “puritan hellhole stuck in the middle ages that will never get another cent from [him] so long as [he’s] alive.”

When asked to comment on his apparent reversal, Murray said he still hates Indiana but couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see his beloved Wisconsin Badgers take on the undefeated Kentucky Wildcats.

“The anti-gay bill really sucks,” said Murray, “but this game is history in the making! Besides, Wisconsin is where Jenny and I met, so this game will be extra special for us.”

When asked whether he would join demonstrations against the bill, Murray was non-committal.

“I’d really love to, but there’s so much going on this weekend. Weezer and Imagine Dragons are playing. We have VIP access to the locker-room, a meet-and-greet with Shaq. I don’t think we’ll have time!”

While Murray has not ruled out renewing his boycott, he declined to comment about the time he lifted his boycott of Arizona to attend the 2011 MLB All-Star Game.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Rangers, Capitals Play For Chance to Be Eliminated in Second Round of NHL Playoffs

WASHINGTON - As the New York Rangers and Washington Capitals prepare for a decisive winner-take-all game seven tonight, players and coaches will put everything on the line for a chance to be thwarted in the second round of the NHL playoffs.

"Let's face it, we're a pretty one-dimensional team," said Capitals head coach Adam Oates.  "But we're gonna fight our hardest to ensure our weak penalty kill and overall lack of defense isn't exposed until the next round."

"All that regular season crap means nothing right now," said Rangers head coach John Tortorella. "We've worked hard for [Goalie] Henrik [Lundqvist] to carry us on his back for one more game.  We don't expect him to collapse quite yet."

NBC Sports analyst Pierre McGuire predicts tonight's game will be very close, but utterly meaningless in the long run.

"It's cute to see these two teams go to the wire year-after-year.  Whichever team wins will certainly provide good fodder for either the Toronto Maple Leafs or Boston Bruins."

Regardless of which team wins tonight, both team's fans should expect to be looking towards the 2013-2014 NHL season by early next week.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

College Student Eager to Share His Love of a TV Show That Everyone Else Loves Too

ANN ARBOR - After watching the first episode of a television series on a popular Internet streaming media service, University of Michigan student Alan Baumstein expressed a strong desire to share his commonly-held beliefs on social media.

"Oh my God this show is amazing!" said Baumstein as he quickly logged into Facebook.  "Everyone has to know how great this show is!"

The program, which premiered in February of 2013, has already been seen by millions of viewers, including nearly all of Baumstein's friends from college, high school, hebrew school, sports teams, and various summer camps he once attended.  Regardless, Baumstein insisted he give the show a public endorsement.

"I just can't get over how great this show is," added Baumstein while loading his Twitter page.  "It's perfect!"

Baumstein declined to comment further, as he had plans to watch the first episode of an AMC original series that premiered five years ago.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Malaysian Immigrant Praised for Eco-Friendly Lifestyle

LOS ANGELES - While many Americans strive to reduce their carbon footprint, low-wage Malaysian Immigrant Norzila Razak has all but eliminated hers. 

Instead of driving to work, Nazak takes three buses 35 miles from the room she rents in Covina to her job as a dishwasher in Santa Monica.

"She's a true inspiration to environmentalists," said aspiring actress Eliza Reed. "We all try to be part of the solution. That's why I traded in my Jeep for a Honda Civic."

Since arriving in America over twenty years ago, Razak has never owned a car or set foot on an airplane, even to visit her husband and daughter, both of whom live Malaysia.

"Air pollution is a big problem here in LA," said Juliette Gilbert, a stay-at-home mom from Malibu. "I've been making an effort to limit the number of international vacations I take each year." She added that during holidays, she sometimes joins her husband on his company's private jet.

Razak's landlord Saul Guzman reported that Razak takes environmental awareness to a whole new level. "I once stopped by her apartment when it was 98 degrees outside, because I thought the A/C was broken. It wasn't, she was just conserving energy," he said.

A spokeswoman for Southern California Edison hailed Razak's approach to energy use, saying "We encourage residents to set their thermostats to 72 degrees. She takes it to a whole new level, and for that, we applaud her."

Even after working several hours at the restaurant, many of Razak's neighbors report seeing her go from garbage can to garbage can, collecting cans and bottles to bring them to the local recycling center.

When interviewed, Razak slammed the door shut after insisting she doesn't know what global warming is.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Hockey Fans Eager To Live Vicariously Through Others

TORONTO - As the lockout-shortened 2013 NHL season begins this Saturday, fans across North America are eager to stop living their own lives and instead spend hours watching other people try to knock a small rubber cylinder into a net.

"I can't wait for hockey to start!" said Cam Brewster, a life-long Toronto Maple Leafs fan whose happiness is based solely on the performance of 25 men he's never met.  "I'm going to watch every game!"

Jenny Andrews, a self-proclaimed die-hard Los Angeles Kings fan, was shaking with excitement as she purchased a replica of the work clothes worn by Kings goalie Jonathan Quick, at a price of nearly $200.

"We're definitely going to win the Cup again!" said Andrews, apparently considering herself part of the effort, even though she has never gone skating, picked up a hockey stick, or worked for the Los Angeles Kings. "We're number one!"

At the Kettler Capitals Iceplex in Arlington, VA, many area fans opted to skip out on their own jobs for a chance to see several young, mostly foreign-born men do theirs.  Despite never having met any of these men personally, many DC residents adore those who are paid to skate around the ice while wearing sweaters with the word "Capitals" sewn on them.

After the skating finished DC resident Peter Collins waited eagerly outside the Iceplex for a chance to have one of these workers quickly scribble their name on a picture.  Even though Collins has never spent more than 15 seconds speaking with Capitals forward Alex Ovechkin, Collins said he would take bullet for him.

Despite all of the enthusiasm, analysts caution that the excitement may die down as soon as Sunday, when many of these same fans will forget entirely about hockey as they watch other grown men attempt to carry a pigskin from one side of a field to another.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

13-Year-Old Male Reasserts Masculinity By Claiming He Hates One Direction


While English-Irish boy band One Direction has achieved critical and commercial success since releasing their hit single "What Makes You Beautiful" in 2011, the group has been unable to gain the approval of 13-year-old Ben Grossman.

"Every time that song comes on the radio Ben screams to anyone who will listen how much he hates One Direction," said Melanie Grossman, Ben's older sister. "While he's always hated boy bands, pop music, and pretty much anything else the girls in his grade like, he especially hates One Direction."

A fellow classmate who denied to be identified says Grossman is especially tough on anything he finds to be remotely "gay".

"His style is very mainstream male," said Grossman's teacher Elena Thompson. "He usually wears a Bud Light t-shirt or a football jersey to class."

Grossman's mother Sheryl feels One Direction's widespread popularity has had an adverse effect on her son, but questions how much Ben actually dislikes the band.

"He normally asks me to put on a rap or rock station when I drive him to hockey practice.  But ever since "What Makes You Beautiful" hit the charts he's always lets Melanie pick the station."

Grossman declined to be interviewed for the story, but issued a statement that his next door neighbor Becky's claims that he once rocked out to One Direction in his room before quickly closing the blinds and switching to the Wu-Tang Clan are "completely untrue."