Monday, July 25, 2016

Area Man Triumphantly Retires From Facebook After High School Crush Likes His Post

NEW YORK - Philanthropist and entrepreneur Mark Abner reportedly deactivated his Facebook account moments after his high school crush Chelsea Levine liked one of his posts.

Abner, whose primary motivation in life is to get Levine’s approval, says he no longer feels the need to post stories after receiving the coveted like.

“Every post about my accolades was an attempt to get through to her.” said Abner. “She didn’t like my post when I received a full scholarship to Harvard or when my charity brought clean water to a rural village in Sudan, but she liked this one.”

Even Abner’s friends were surprised it took so long for her to like one of his posts.

“I for sure thought she would have liked his post expressing his unconditional love for his transgender brother, or his post announcing he sold his app to Microsoft for $230 million,” said Michael Henson, Abner’s friend since the tenth grade.

Abner, who is tagged in over 2,000 pictures on Facebook, says that Levine has never liked one of his photos either.

“I’ve posted pictures of myself with Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Pope Francis, Malala Yousafzai, and Queen Elizabeth II. Each photo got over 500 likes. Chelsea didn’t like a single one.”

Abner admitted he’s not sure what he will do with his new found spare time.

“Now that I have Chelsea’s approval I’m going to take some time to think about what I want to do next. I’ve always wanted to be a train conductor, but I didn’t think she’d like that.”

When asked about the post that got Chelsea’s attention, Abner appeared sullen.

“I’ve worked hard all my life to be good enough for her. I built a successful business, donated millions to philanthropic pursuit, sponsored a refugee from Syria, and was accepted to NASA’s astronaut program. But in the end all I had to do was post a screenshot of Squirtle from my Pok√©mon Go app.”