Thursday, November 15, 2012

13-Year-Old Male Reasserts Masculinity By Claiming He Hates One Direction


While English-Irish boy band One Direction has achieved critical and commercial success since releasing their hit single "What Makes You Beautiful" in 2011, the group has been unable to gain the approval of 13-year-old Ben Grossman.

"Every time that song comes on the radio Ben screams to anyone who will listen how much he hates One Direction," said Melanie Grossman, Ben's older sister. "While he's always hated boy bands, pop music, and pretty much anything else the girls in his grade like, he especially hates One Direction."

A fellow classmate who denied to be identified says Grossman is especially tough on anything he finds to be remotely "gay".

"His style is very mainstream male," said Grossman's teacher Elena Thompson. "He usually wears a Bud Light t-shirt or a football jersey to class."

Grossman's mother Sheryl feels One Direction's widespread popularity has had an adverse effect on her son, but questions how much Ben actually dislikes the band.

"He normally asks me to put on a rap or rock station when I drive him to hockey practice.  But ever since "What Makes You Beautiful" hit the charts he's always lets Melanie pick the station."

Grossman declined to be interviewed for the story, but issued a statement that his next door neighbor Becky's claims that he once rocked out to One Direction in his room before quickly closing the blinds and switching to the Wu-Tang Clan are "completely untrue."

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Israel, Hamas Eagerly Await Solutions Proposed By Liberal Arts Students

In the wake of a Wednesday's Israeli military strike that killed Hamas military commander Ahmed al-Jabari, both Israel and Hamas are looking to liberal arts students across America to come up with effective solutions to end the conflict.

"Hamas has fired 160 rockets on civilian centers across Israel since Saturday," a senior IDF officer said to reporters. "And while we feel we have every right to defend ourselves, the Bennington College World Peace Club often has new, useful ideas for solutions that don't involve violence."

While Hamas denies involvement and called the Israeli strike an act of aggression, they too praised the discourse that will ultimately happen in air-conditioned student centers across America.

"We are adamant that Israel end its illegal occupation immediately," a Hamas official said. "But Wesleyan University senior Caleb Anthony took the time to order pizza and invite the students in his dormitory to discuss the issue in a peaceful manner.  The least we can do is wait for that to happen.  And besides, he did get a B+ in Middle East History from 1948-2000."

Both sides are reluctant to send representatives to these meetings, as they acknowledged things there can get "pretty intense".

"In 2008 Smith College Junior Ashley Peterson raised her voice at Freshman Naomi Potts," said a Gaza resident who lost both siblings in Israeli airstrikes. "While she made a good point that Naomi has never been to the West Bank, she should have acknowledged the Campus Center is a designated safe space."

"I was appalled at Occidental College Sophomore Partrick Schwartz when he called his fellow classmate "naive" on his Facebook timeline," said an Israeli Citizen who survived a bus bombing in 2004.  "While Patrick's classmate does not understand the importance of a Jewish State, he did skim the Wikipedia article on the Six Day War before leaving a comment, so he isn't completely uninformed."

By Friday, many schools will move onto activities like Homecoming and Toga Parties, but both Israel and Hamas have agreed to a truce until the Oberlin College quad sit for peace and understanding takes place so that both sides can assess its impact.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Vikings and Rams Winners of the First Round of the NFL Draft, Says ESPN Analyst Who Has No Ability To Predict The Future

NEW YORK - Despite not possessing any psychic abilities, ESPN analyst John Clayton declared the Minnesota Vikings and the St. Louis Rams to be the winners of the first round of the 2012 NFL draft.  While young football players often take years to develop and face unforeseeable challenges, Clayton was convinced that these teams would be positively affected in the years to come based off the addition of one player each.  "Rest assured [LSU Defensive Tackle] Michael Brockers is going to be great addition to the Rams defensive front," beamed Clayton, even though the 21 year old athlete has never seen the Rams playbook nor has met many of his new coaches or teammates.  While Clayton has no crystal ball and an inconsistent record on advance declarations, former NFL first round draft pick Ryan Leaf agreed with Clayton's prediction, saying that all teams are winners in the first round of an NFL draft.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Billy Cundiff Offers Kyle Williams His Condolences

While everyone makes mistakes, very few people can say they've been offered support by an NFL Pro-Bowler. San Francisco 49ers WR Kyle Williams is one of those select few.

After Williams' overtime fumble lead to a loss in yesterday's NFC Championship game against New York Giants, Baltimore Ravens K Billy Cundiff called Kyle Williams personally to share his sympathy.

"I feel for him, I definitely do," said Cundiff, who once missed a 32-yard field goal in an AFC Championship loss to the New England Patriots. "I've been in that situation before and it definitely hurts."

While Cundiff admits that he still hasn't fully gotten over the botched kick, he says that both time and the support from fans in the greater New England area proved to be very helpful.

"It's was really tough at first," Cundiff added. "But the minutes go by and you start to focus more on the future and less on the past. I'm just very fortunate so many devout Patriots have been so supportive."

While Williams has refused to speak to the media following his gaff, he does have another high-profile supporter. New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has officially extended an offer for Williams to be his guest of honor at this years Super Bowl parade if the Giants emerge victorious.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Dan Orlovsky Prepping Really Hard For the Colts' 2012 Season

INDIANAPOLIS - While Colt fans begin to focus their attention on the impending quarterback battle between former MVP Peyton Manning and rookie sensation Andrew Luck, last year's starter Dan Orlovsky has been working as hard as ever to prepare for the Colts' 2012 season.

The potential free agent's regimen, which began a mere 18 hours after the Colts' season-ending loss to the Jaguars that secured the first pick in the NFL Draft, is designed to build cardiocasvular and physical strength.

Each morning, Orlovsky straps himself to his Ford F-150 pickup truck and pulls it three miles to the Colts' practice facility. He earned the starting job earlier this year after injuries to Manning, Kerry Collins, and Curtis Painter.

Upon arriving at the facility, the career backup starts with three miles of uphill sprinting, four miles of counter-current swimming, two hours splitting wood, high-intensity kick-boxing, krav maga, yoga, hurdles, and burpees, all before hitting the gym for an afternoon of weight training and passing drills.

"I've never seen anything like it," said long-time security guard Albert Douglass, who once doubted the Colts' decision to sign the QB who lead the Lions to an 0-16 season. "He's really a machine out there."

Colts' WR Austin Collie, who is currently vacationing in Maui, also expressed shock in how hard the quarterback who once ran out the back of his own end zone was working.

"I get 9-10 texts a day asking if I can come in and work on our timing. If I don't respond immediately, he calls and leaves incredibly nasty voice-messages about how I was the reason we only won two games last season and how I need to 'get serious about what it means to be a Colt'. He also organizes daily team-building events on Facebook, including trips to Six Flags, afternoons at low-ropes courses, and happy hours at local Karaoke bars.

Orlovsky declined to be interviewed, as he was "too busy reading up on the playbook and studying game film." He then sat down at his computer to put the finishing touches on his designs for Dan Orlovsky Bobblehead Day.