Monday, May 13, 2013

Rangers, Capitals Play For Chance to Be Eliminated in Second Round of NHL Playoffs

WASHINGTON - As the New York Rangers and Washington Capitals prepare for a decisive winner-take-all game seven tonight, players and coaches will put everything on the line for a chance to be thwarted in the second round of the NHL playoffs.

"Let's face it, we're a pretty one-dimensional team," said Capitals head coach Adam Oates.  "But we're gonna fight our hardest to ensure our weak penalty kill and overall lack of defense isn't exposed until the next round."

"All that regular season crap means nothing right now," said Rangers head coach John Tortorella. "We've worked hard for [Goalie] Henrik [Lundqvist] to carry us on his back for one more game.  We don't expect him to collapse quite yet."

NBC Sports analyst Pierre McGuire predicts tonight's game will be very close, but utterly meaningless in the long run.

"It's cute to see these two teams go to the wire year-after-year.  Whichever team wins will certainly provide good fodder for either the Toronto Maple Leafs or Boston Bruins."

Regardless of which team wins tonight, both team's fans should expect to be looking towards the 2013-2014 NHL season by early next week.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

College Student Eager to Share His Love of a TV Show That Everyone Else Loves Too

ANN ARBOR - After watching the first episode of a television series on a popular Internet streaming media service, University of Michigan student Alan Baumstein expressed a strong desire to share his commonly-held beliefs on social media.

"Oh my God this show is amazing!" said Baumstein as he quickly logged into Facebook.  "Everyone has to know how great this show is!"

The program, which premiered in February of 2013, has already been seen by millions of viewers, including nearly all of Baumstein's friends from college, high school, hebrew school, sports teams, and various summer camps he once attended.  Regardless, Baumstein insisted he give the show a public endorsement.

"I just can't get over how great this show is," added Baumstein while loading his Twitter page.  "It's perfect!"

Baumstein declined to comment further, as he had plans to watch the first episode of an AMC original series that premiered five years ago.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Malaysian Immigrant Praised for Eco-Friendly Lifestyle

LOS ANGELES - While many Americans strive to reduce their carbon footprint, low-wage Malaysian Immigrant Norzila Razak has all but eliminated hers. 

Instead of driving to work, Nazak takes three buses 35 miles from the room she rents in Covina to her job as a dishwasher in Santa Monica.

"She's a true inspiration to environmentalists," said aspiring actress Eliza Reed. "We all try to be part of the solution. That's why I traded in my Jeep for a Honda Civic."

Since arriving in America over twenty years ago, Razak has never owned a car or set foot on an airplane, even to visit her husband and daughter, both of whom live Malaysia.

"Air pollution is a big problem here in LA," said Juliette Gilbert, a stay-at-home mom from Malibu. "I've been making an effort to limit the number of international vacations I take each year." She added that during holidays, she sometimes joins her husband on his company's private jet.

Razak's landlord Saul Guzman reported that Razak takes environmental awareness to a whole new level. "I once stopped by her apartment when it was 98 degrees outside, because I thought the A/C was broken. It wasn't, she was just conserving energy," he said.

A spokeswoman for Southern California Edison hailed Razak's approach to energy use, saying "We encourage residents to set their thermostats to 72 degrees. She takes it to a whole new level, and for that, we applaud her."

Even after working several hours at the restaurant, many of Razak's neighbors report seeing her go from garbage can to garbage can, collecting cans and bottles to bring them to the local recycling center.

When interviewed, Razak slammed the door shut after insisting she doesn't know what global warming is.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Hockey Fans Eager To Live Vicariously Through Others

TORONTO - As the lockout-shortened 2013 NHL season begins this Saturday, fans across North America are eager to stop living their own lives and instead spend hours watching other people try to knock a small rubber cylinder into a net.

"I can't wait for hockey to start!" said Cam Brewster, a life-long Toronto Maple Leafs fan whose happiness is based solely on the performance of 25 men he's never met.  "I'm going to watch every game!"

Jenny Andrews, a self-proclaimed die-hard Los Angeles Kings fan, was shaking with excitement as she purchased a replica of the work clothes worn by Kings goalie Jonathan Quick, at a price of nearly $200.

"We're definitely going to win the Cup again!" said Andrews, apparently considering herself part of the effort, even though she has never gone skating, picked up a hockey stick, or worked for the Los Angeles Kings. "We're number one!"

At the Kettler Capitals Iceplex in Arlington, VA, many area fans opted to skip out on their own jobs for a chance to see several young, mostly foreign-born men do theirs.  Despite never having met any of these men personally, many DC residents adore those who are paid to skate around the ice while wearing sweaters with the word "Capitals" sewn on them.

After the skating finished DC resident Peter Collins waited eagerly outside the Iceplex for a chance to have one of these workers quickly scribble their name on a picture.  Even though Collins has never spent more than 15 seconds speaking with Capitals forward Alex Ovechkin, Collins said he would take bullet for him.

Despite all of the enthusiasm, analysts caution that the excitement may die down as soon as Sunday, when many of these same fans will forget entirely about hockey as they watch other grown men attempt to carry a pigskin from one side of a field to another.