Plane Crashes After Child Neglects to Turn Off Game Boy During Initial Descent

NEWARK - United Airlines Flight 417 crashed just fifteen miles outside of Newark airport today in what appears to be another Game Boy related accident, killing all but seven passengers. Without all electronics properly turned off and stowed for safety, the plane went into an immediate tailspin once it descended below it's cruising altitude of 35,000 feet. In response, TSA has announced its plans to require airlines to issue longer, more graphic safety videos before each flight. "We are very lucky that not everyone on board was killed instantly," said a TSA representative. "God only knows what would have happened if he was using a two-way pager". This incident comes less than a week after a Houston resident was severely injured after his flight took off without his seat in its full and upright position.

Nigerian Billionaire Unsure As to Why Americans Refuse his Fortune

ABUJA - For years, Dr. Moses Odiaka has spent nights tolling away at his computer trying to find a worthy American willing to assume control of his fortune. Because Nigerian banking law prohibits transfer of money into the United States, Odiaka's only hope of giving his money to a deserving American is for that person to set up an offshore account in which he can transfer the money. "When that is complete all I need is for that person to immediately send the details of their primary bank account, as well as a credit card and social security number for me to arrange the proper money transfer document." This news comes only a few days after it was reported the National Lottery of Kenya has been unsuccessful in notifying an Albuquerque resident of his three million dollar prize.