Thursday, November 15, 2012

13-Year-Old Male Reasserts Masculinity By Claiming He Hates One Direction


While English-Irish boy band One Direction has achieved critical and commercial success since releasing their hit single "What Makes You Beautiful" in 2011, the group has been unable to gain the approval of 13-year-old Ben Grossman.

"Every time that song comes on the radio Ben screams to anyone who will listen how much he hates One Direction," said Melanie Grossman, Ben's older sister. "While he's always hated boy bands, pop music, and pretty much anything else the girls in his grade like, he especially hates One Direction."

A fellow classmate who denied to be identified says Grossman is especially tough on anything he finds to be remotely "gay".

"His style is very mainstream male," said Grossman's teacher Elena Thompson. "He usually wears a Bud Light t-shirt or a football jersey to class."

Grossman's mother Sheryl feels One Direction's widespread popularity has had an adverse effect on her son, but questions how much Ben actually dislikes the band.

"He normally asks me to put on a rap or rock station when I drive him to hockey practice.  But ever since "What Makes You Beautiful" hit the charts he's always lets Melanie pick the station."

Grossman declined to be interviewed for the story, but issued a statement that his next door neighbor Becky's claims that he once rocked out to One Direction in his room before quickly closing the blinds and switching to the Wu-Tang Clan are "completely untrue."

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Israel, Hamas Eagerly Await Solutions Proposed By Liberal Arts Students

In the wake of a Wednesday's Israeli military strike that killed Hamas military commander Ahmed al-Jabari, both Israel and Hamas are looking to liberal arts students across America to come up with effective solutions to end the conflict.

"Hamas has fired 160 rockets on civilian centers across Israel since Saturday," a senior IDF officer said to reporters. "And while we feel we have every right to defend ourselves, the Bennington College World Peace Club often has new, useful ideas for solutions that don't involve violence."

While Hamas denies involvement and called the Israeli strike an act of aggression, they too praised the discourse that will ultimately happen in air-conditioned student centers across America.

"We are adamant that Israel end its illegal occupation immediately," a Hamas official said. "But Wesleyan University senior Caleb Anthony took the time to order pizza and invite the students in his dormitory to discuss the issue in a peaceful manner.  The least we can do is wait for that to happen.  And besides, he did get a B+ in Middle East History from 1948-2000."

Both sides are reluctant to send representatives to these meetings, as they acknowledged things there can get "pretty intense".

"In 2008 Smith College Junior Ashley Peterson raised her voice at Freshman Naomi Potts," said a Gaza resident who lost both siblings in Israeli airstrikes. "While she made a good point that Naomi has never been to the West Bank, she should have acknowledged the Campus Center is a designated safe space."

"I was appalled at Occidental College Sophomore Partrick Schwartz when he called his fellow classmate "naive" on his Facebook timeline," said an Israeli Citizen who survived a bus bombing in 2004.  "While Patrick's classmate does not understand the importance of a Jewish State, he did skim the Wikipedia article on the Six Day War before leaving a comment, so he isn't completely uninformed."

By Friday, many schools will move onto activities like Homecoming and Toga Parties, but both Israel and Hamas have agreed to a truce until the Oberlin College quad sit for peace and understanding takes place so that both sides can assess its impact.