Monday, May 17, 2010

Cavaliers Jinxed By 12-Year-Old Boy

Many fans have been wondering what happened to the top seeded Cleveland Cavaliers, after being eliminated by the Boston Celtics in second round of the 2010 NBA Playoffs. That uncertainty may have come to a rest however now that sources have confirmed Canton resident Wesley Gordon jinxed the Cavs.

"We watched game three together at my mom's house," said Doug Walker, Gordon's best friend. "They won the game and afterwords Wes said, "This series is over". You know what happened? The Cavs lost the next three games and now we're out of the playoffs."

No one was more upset by the news than Lithuanian Center Žydrūnas Ilgauskas, who is very superstitious.

"In my country, we have a saying," Ilgauskas remarked. "Nothing is over until the fat lady is singing. After game three I knew something was wrong. No one could conenctrate. We did not know why. Now it is clear. This Wesley Gordon made the basketball Gods very very angry; and that makes Žydrūnas is very very angry. If I ever see him I will circumsize him with my teeth."

Canton officials have increased security around Gordon's home, who has not been seen publically since the incident.

The most dire consequence to the city of Cleveland might be the reaction by NBA MVP LeBron James, who was midway through signing a contract to keep him in a Cavs uniform through 2019. However, as he was signing, word spread of Gordon's actions, causing James to drop the pen and leave the arena.

"He had signed Lebron Ja when he dropped the pen," said Cavaliers General Manager Danny Ferry. "Well, we checked the phonebook to see if there were any Lebron Ja's in the United States. Apparently there's one. He owns a boat dealership in Lake Tahoe. It appears as if we need to start paying him thirty million dollars anually."

Even though the police consider this to be a closed cased, Canton mayor William Healy is sure of Gordon's innocence, an has instead blamed his wife Brunhilde for the loss.

"We watched the first three games together while I was wearing my lucky Jersey," Healy said. "However, Brunhilde donated the jersey to Goodwill afterwards, saying it looked rediculous on me. If I had that jersey we'd be in the playoffs today."

Once Healy stopped ranting, he's tone became one of sorrow, as he felt great sympathy for the boy who went into the witness protection program yesterday.

"He's gonna go down as the most hated Ohio resident since Don King."

Cleveland Indians Change Logo

Due to intense criticism over the past several years, the Cleveland Indians today announced that they will be changing their mascot, logo, and color scheme indefinitely to reflect the changing times and to shy away from the negative portrayal of American-Indians in sport.

"We as an organization felt Chief Wahoo had ran his course as the face of the Indians organization," said Cleveland Indians owner Larry Dolan in a press conference. "However, we know the fine citizens of Cleveland are passionate about the Indians name and because of this, we wanted to find a solution that stayed true to the fine history of our organization and at the same time, could not possibly be seen as racist."

With that, the Indians introduced their new logo.

Sanjay, as he will be known, is the new official face of the Indians. He will appear on all Indians caps, uniforms, and merchandise.

"Sanjay will finally allow our American-Indian fan base to breath easy, as our new mascot does not portray any group of human beings negatively or in a false light."

The Indians were also proud to announce they have let go all their beer, hot dog, and food vendors, and replaced them with what Dolan calls "A new frontier of concession ordering." Every seat will have a telephone in which fans can place orders and receive them in the mail three to five business days later.

Chief Wahoo fans will be happy to know he will not be retired. The Indians AA affiliate, the Akron Aeros, will be renamed the Akron Injuns, and adopt Chief Wahoo as their mascot. Injuns owner Mike Agganis declined to comment.