Sunday, October 9, 2011

Housekeeping Team to 'Clean Em for Mr. Jones' After Hotel Manager Dies

FORT LAUDERDALE - On a highly emotional day following hotel manager Clarence Jones' death, the cleaning staff at the Airport Comfort Inn came together to increase productivity and keep cleaning the hotel.

While Jones was known for being emotionally distant and refusing to speak with "the help," the fired-up domestic servants dusted faster, plunged deeper, and folded neater than ever before.

"Mr. Jones had his hand on that vacuum," said housekeeper Martina Perez through tears after turning around room 317 in under forty minutes. "We love him, we know he is watching over this hotel."

The most emotional moment of the day came when each worker was given a new uniform with a memorial patch on the shoulders honoring Jones. After a long moment of silence the workers chanted, "Juice, Juice, Juice," Jones' nickname.

Shortly after kissing her patch, Lopez shared a story about a time she saw Mr. Jones working.

"He was talking to HR and ordering them not to hire a female worker who was "aesthetically challenged." Whether it be his refusal promote minorities or unwillingness to allow workers to observe religious holidays, Mr. Jones always was a fighter."

A retired veteran who was dishonorably discharged from the Marines in 1991, Jones obtained his degree in hotel management and began work at the Comfort Inn a year later. He was known for his no-nonsense attitude and his policy of firing any employee who attempted to form a union.

While his face was always covered by a complimentary copy of USA Today, Jones had a special place in the heart's of each person who ever set foot in the Comfort Inn.

"I will always remember the day I came back from my shortened maternity leave," Perez said. "He looked at me, handed me a broom, muttered 'time is money', and returned to his paper. While I couldn't see his face, I knew he was smiling at me."

As the night came to a close, Perez stocked one final minibar, got down on a knee and whispered, "Mr. Jones' this one's for you."

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Area Man Informs World of Dangerous Earthquake

In what local officials are describing as a courageous and self-less move, Yonkers Resident Dale Harrington used the social networking site Facebook to inform the world of a potentially catastrophic natural disaster. "I felt the earth shake for a good while there and didn't know what was happening. Then I saw Dale's status which read 'Whoa. Earthquake?' and immediately knew what was going on," said a former acquaintance, adding that after reading the message he too decided to update his status. Within minutes, the entire East Coast seemed inspired by Harrington's swift action, taking a break from their normal routine to forewarn their friends and family of the crisis at hand. While hailed by many as a hero, Harrington's modesty shined when he moved past the grandiose episode a mere hour later to thank his Farmville Peeps for being such great neighbors.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Plane Crashes After Child Neglects to Turn Off Game Boy During Initial Descent

NEWARK - United Airlines Flight 417 crashed just fifteen miles outside of Newark airport today in what appears to be another Game Boy related accident, killing all but seven passengers. Without all electronics properly turned off and stowed for safety, the plane went into an immediate tailspin once it descended below it's cruising altitude of 35,000 feet. In response, TSA has announced its plans to require airlines to issue longer, more graphic safety videos before each flight. "We are very lucky that not everyone on board was killed instantly," said a TSA representative. "God only knows what would have happened if he was using a two-way pager". This incident comes less than a week after a Houston resident was severely injured after his flight took off without his seat in its full and upright position.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Nigerian Billionaire Unsure As to Why Americans Refuse his Fortune

ABUJA - For years, Dr. Moses Odiaka has spent nights tolling away at his computer trying to find a worthy American willing to assume control of his fortune. Because Nigerian banking law prohibits transfer of money into the United States, Odiaka's only hope of giving his money to a deserving American is for that person to set up an offshore account in which he can transfer the money. "When that is complete all I need is for that person to immediately send the details of their primary bank account, as well as a credit card and social security number for me to arrange the proper money transfer document." This news comes only a few days after it was reported the National Lottery of Kenya has been unsuccessful in notifying an Albuquerque resident of his three million dollar prize.